Unbearable Lightness

15 days from now my daugher will be a freshman in a college in Vermont. I repeat this to myself and to others with the same unfamiliarity and disbelief I had when becoming engaged. I say, "I am the mother of two college aged children" or "My duaghter is going to Landmark College in the fall. " I pretend that this is like thousands of mothers saying that their daughter is going to college in the fall. I bought dorm room things at Target.

The dumpster arrived last week and I began to 'throw out'. I had piles of consult write-ups from Children's Hospital and IEP team meeting notes. I had carefully filed them, copied and forwarded them to nice people in Isabel's ever expanding universe. Gone. No more.

And part of this throwing out was archeological unveiling and the old life that emerged - now laid bare. So I feel shakey wondering what is next for Isabel and for me. I taught her how to reocrd her own voice mail on her cell phone. She deighted over this creative act - one more step to independance.

I feel lighter- the excrutiating weight of guilt and fear somewaht abated as August 28th nears. Like air, like water, like sleep - a deficit that is somehow replentished.