Saturday, December 6, 2008

Redemption


My friend Bob, when listening to my news of Isabel, managing her freshman semester marvelously well, emerging, said 'update your blog'. And I realized that this was a sort of annunciation; words in the midst of thousands of distractions and confusion that are essential and important. I've thought this through over the past 10 days and finally am here.
Isabel's annunciation came several weeks ago in the midst of a highly charged and awkward social entanglement. She said: I am not lost. I have a vision and I am pursuing it. At 19 I was lost, and purely by grace, emerged a decade later. 30 years hence - purely by grace - I am able to hear my daughter state her vision. That is the redemption. My own grasping - a weakness for pessimism has not dampened Isabel's ability to identify her future.
Home again in 7 days.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Unbearable Lightness

15 days from now my daugher will be a freshman in a college in Vermont. I repeat this to myself and to others with the same unfamiliarity and disbelief I had when becoming engaged. I say, "I am the mother of two college aged children" or "My duaghter is going to Landmark College in the fall. " I pretend that this is like thousands of mothers saying that their daughter is going to college in the fall. I bought dorm room things at Target.

The dumpster arrived last week and I began to 'throw out'. I had piles of consult write-ups from Children's Hospital and IEP team meeting notes. I had carefully filed them, copied and forwarded them to nice people in Isabel's ever expanding universe. Gone. No more.

And part of this throwing out was archeological unveiling and the old life that emerged - now laid bare. So I feel shakey wondering what is next for Isabel and for me. I taught her how to reocrd her own voice mail on her cell phone. She deighted over this creative act - one more step to independance.

I feel lighter- the excrutiating weight of guilt and fear somewaht abated as August 28th nears. Like air, like water, like sleep - a deficit that is somehow replentished.

Sunday, July 6, 2008

The Going Away Section

Isabel leaves for Thailand the day after today.  And approximately 10 days later she returns.  She will attend a 'vet' adventure session for 2 weeks and 2 weeks later we drive her to her college in Vermont.  Another parent from her high school - from where she graduated 4 weeks ago - noted how we had common 'deer-in -the-headlight' affects the night she graduated - in a gorgeous college building on the north shore of MA.  And - on that night - I was unable to feel anything.  I was spent.  This evening as the bags get packed - I am trying hard to connect with some emotion and I can't really figure it out yet.  This is part one of going away.  

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Graduating

Last summer Isabel claimed the storage space under the front stairs. She washed the concrete floor with semi toxic chemicals with exhaust fans roaring. She convinced her father to go paint shopping and painted her bedroom ceiling with 6 different test swatches. She primed. She painted. Many discussions. This coincided with the beginning of senior year and in retrospect - it demonstrated her desire to hide forever in our house in the woods. All happening while she started a new highschool +20 miles away - with a 45 minute van ride twice daily.

And yet she has had such growth in the last 6 months: volunteering at a hospital, taking the SATs, applying and being admitted to college, planning to go to Thailand in July to work with elephants. Going to the prom.

The hiding space has been abandonned for several months. Last night I moved the displaced suitcases and rollar blades back to there storage space while contemplating the symbology of it all.

And we went to the lcoal high school award program since she got an award for her volunteering. And all the beautiful young ladies and men - full of the future - were charmingly cool and sure in their place as they made their way across the stage. But Isabel, dressed in a marigold tunic from our visit to Mumbai, with gold high tops, ran to the stage and turned to the audience and waved and smiled broadly - working the crowd as only she can.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

Sad Reality

This past week the eldest son of a woman parenting exceptional children was killed in a car crash.  He was a high school senior and he was a passenger.  His mother has poured enormous emotional and creative energy into creating a helpful community for other families struggling to raise children like Isabel.  And why?  To those whom much have been given, much is expected?   

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Unkindness

Returned from a trip to SF.  On the way out, early in the morning, a woman - perhaps in her late 30s - sat across the aisle from me.  Periodically she would touch my arm and ask me about the time. Then she would ask about SF. Then she would tell me her name.  Then she would ask and tell - again - and again.  I realized that she was quite frightened and that she was either cognitively or emotionally bound by some invisible demon.  I offered her soothing replies - all that I could offer.  She apologized for talking too much.  I wanted to gather her in my arms and protect this kind woman who was so vulnerable on the plane.  I felt blessed that I was able to sense her need before I had the chance to be unpleasant or unhelpful.  I felt as though I was given a lesson - a mission - to help without question.  This is one more Isabel gift - a chance to sense with more accuracy the intention and need of vulnerable souls around me - a chance to correct a tendency to dismiss or alienate myself from the bigger community of mankind.  

Thursday, January 3, 2008

Getting connected

Living in Concord in a lovely house in Thoreau's woods with the hounds and horses in the midst of winter.  The isolation mirrors the isolation engendered by living with Isabel.  While her nature is true and rare - the reality of living with her uncertain moods and fears makes normal socialization difficult.

So we live with horses in the woods - which is beautiful and intense.  But I long for the ease of having friends call to make a spontaneous dinner date - with kids and movies.  

None of this is possible.  Winter is hard.