The Terrible Slider Bar

Conscious choices about framing the issue

This week I was explaining a recent sense of impatience with Isabel - a deep seated sense of impatience that catches flame too easily. A friend listened for 15 minutes to my monologue. Her reply was:

"Perhaps if you could re-adjust your percentages - your vantage point slider bar - so it was more about how her condition must make her feel and a little less about how it makes you feel - you would be less angry."

More interesting than any reply I had was that I started to reply without really knowing what I was going to say. Usually I follow a sequence that consists of 1) thinking about what someone has just said, 2) determining what I should say about what was just said and 3) compose a reply that is appropriate which consists of what I really think and what I think is acceptable to say. This process usually takes a few minutes unless it's a well worn topic and I have a welll worn position.

And I just started to talk. And was startled by what I heard myself say - which came from some other sentient part of my body that I was unfamiliar with. And that sentient part said:

"If I thought about how she must feel with her life, I could no go on."

"So I have sort of permanently shifted the focus to providing a stream of helpful criticism that assumes that life from her vanatage point is like life from my vantage point. All she needs are a stready stream of helpful hints ("Look people in the eyes when you talk." "Brush your teeth everyday." "Give lavish Christmas gifts to everyone that may have influence over your success in life.")

I was stunned by what I heard myself saying. So stunned, that I am still trying to figure out the enormity of what this means to her and to me with her. And let me tell you quickly that I do NOT have a nostrum with which to end this post. But I am of the belief that this has high importance - even though I don't really know what to do with the information. And I offer the suggestion for parents to ask this question of themselves and their significant parental community and listen to what is said.